82 thoughts you have before takeoff

You’ve packed your bags, prepared your travel documents and hopped in an Uber (then hopped out of the Uber, ran back inside to retrieve your phone charger, and hopped back in. But that’s beside the point). You’re ready for your flight. Now all that stands between you and an in-flight marathon of home decor shows and complimentary snacks are the two hours before takeoff. From passport panic to running into relatives, here are the 82 thoughts you have pre-flight.

1. Alright, two hours ’til takeoff. Look at me, right on time and ready to check in.
2. I’ll have so much time to relax at my gate.
3. Catch up on some emails, leaf through a few magazines, buy a highly unnecessary bottle of Duty Free perfume…
4. Look at me go, just cruising towards the check-in counter.
5. Why is the line stopping?
6. WHY IS THE LINE STOPPING?
7. Does no one understand I have a plane to catch?!
8. Seriously, it’s been three minutes since I’ve moved.
9. Four minutes. I shouldn’t count.
10. Four minutes and eight seconds.

11. Should I alert an attendant?
12. What is the subtlest way to cut to the front of a line?
13. Should I crawl through legs?
14. Hurdle over suitcases?
15. Okay, false alarm. That was actually way faster than expected.
16. To Starbucks!
17. Oh, right. Security.
18. Is chapstick a liquid?
19. It feels pretty solid, but I’ll put it in my zip-lock baggy just in case.
20. Is salsa a liquid?
21. Why is there salsa in my carry-on?
22. Don’t mind me, just getting rid of the evidence.
23. Okay, enough with the glares. These people obviously don’t know how fast I can eat salsa.
24. Why is it no matter how many times I fly, I never remember to wear matching socks.

25. Confiscating my dry shampoo?! Really?
26. Fine, just let me have one last spritz.
27. Update: There is a very becoming stripe of white powder down the middle of my head.
28. I look like a prematurely aged skunk.
29. Play it off. This is your look now. Until you get to the bathroom, your personal brand is Cruella de Vil. Own it.
30. I literally never learn.
31. Okay, made it through security. Beeline it to the nearest mirror in a speedy yet unsuspicious manner.
32. Oh, hello, ex’s entire family!
33. What an ideal time to catch up on the past six years.
34. Please don’t comment on my hair, please don’t comment on my hair…
35. OH, YOU LOVE IT, DO YOU?
36. Phew. “I have a plane to catch” may just be the best excuse in the book.

37. To Starbucks!
38. Hold up. WHERE IS MY PASSPORT?
39. I’ve been pickpocketed!
40. It was probably the Andersons.
41. They’ve always had it out for me.
42. It’s in my hand. Crisis averted.
43.What’s a person got to do to get a caramel macchiato around here?
44. And some coffee cake.
45. Maybe a strudel.
46. Calories don’t count in airports. It’s like a pre-vacation stomach warm-up. It’s actually much easier on the system.
47. Okay, fine, I made that up.
48. I just really want a strudel.
49. Alright, gate G6. Gate G6.
50. I’ll remember it because of that Far East Movement song.
51. Like a G6, l-l-like a G6
52. What have I done?
53. Why is it no matter where you are in an airport, your gate is never any of the ones in your general vicinity.
54. Has anyone in the history of air travel ever pulled out their ticket and said, “Would you look at that! Gate A1.”
55. It’s like the Platform 9 3/4 of planes. But, I’d remember it because of the steak sauce.
56. Wait. WHERE IS MY PASSPORT?
57. Still in my hand.

58. Gate spotted — there’s only one seat left. Better hurry it up.
59. What on earth is in my carry-on? This thing weighs a million pounds.
60. Oh no. Small child spotted on the move at four o’clock.
61. Osh Kosh appears to be running towards my seat.
62. You can outrun those tiny legs, now hustle!
63. Perfect. A toddler has stolen my chair.
64. No prob, I’ll just go perch over here on this window sill.
65. Just eating my strudel, watching some planes.
66. I’m 73% sure I’m sitting in gum.
67. Now’s the time when I pretend to be completely immersed in my book while I actually scan the waiting area for my future spouse.
68. NOPE.

69. Boarding time.
70. Wait. Where’s my passport?
71. For real this time.
72. Seriously, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
73. Nvm, in my bag.
74. …Oh. Hello, there.
75. Looks like there may be a potential suitor on this flight after all.
76. I hope they saw me rummaging through my bag like a rabid raccoon.
77. With a white skunk-stripe in my hair.
78. Ah, the beginning of a long and happy life together.
79. It looks like he’s heading towards my row!
80. This is the stuff Nicholas Sparks movies are made of.
81. Or books, and then movies.
81. Our grandkids will love this story.
80. Please sit down, please sit down, please sit down.
81. NOOOOOOOOO.
82. So we meet again, Osh Kosh.

Heading to Hawaii? Here are 81 thoughts you have before landing.

Main image: istockphoto.com/guvendemir